LOVE STORIES

Disconnected From Reality

The past few days I have done a lot of soul searching. I am seated on American Airlines flight 234 headed to Miami for a seven day cruise and what’s suppose to be lots of rest and relaxation with the man who I have always thought of as my lifetime. Funny, how events in your life will alter the way you feel about life and everyone in it. From day to day, hour to hour, and minute to minute your life, feelings, and actions are constantly changing. Normally, I would be blissfully happy because we are together but today I am totally disgusted and nothing about my mood is pleasant. I bet he noticed it from the time I arrived in NY. I guess that is why he made no attempts at making love to me last night. His behavior is not like I remembered. Maybe he is just reacting to me. In any case at this point in my life I really don’t care. I am tired of short-changing myself. At this very moment I have made the decision to end things with him. I’m tired of always coming up short with him. I will just wait for the right time to tell him. Ten years is more than enough time to know what you want.The plane touched down, we retrieved our bags and caught a cab to the Ship. It felt like days before we reached our cabin and had a minute to relax. My heart was pounding so hard. My head was aching from the thoughts of everything that had happen to me this year and my soul was ready to give up. Another blow to my existence would destroy me. Now was the time to put all the cards on the table. “Dawson, we need to talk.” “Good, I was waiting for you to let me know what was going on with you. I understand you suffered a terrible lost this year but you really need to try and get yourself together and enjoy the rest of your life. You need to move on with your life Harlem.” My initial laugh was a slight chuckle but for some reason after repeating his comment in my head I began to laugh hysterically. “I know you are not telling me to move on with my life. Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? I guess if I was moving on with my life I wouldn’t be here with you. You got your nerve. I am so tired of playing with you.” He looked shock. “Harlem, what did I do to you? Why are you so angry with me? I know things haven’t been easy for you but I refuse to let you take it out on me. I am here to have a good time and I hope you are not going to ruin that.” I turned to look at him and for the first time he looked like all the other sorry men whose impacted my life in such a negative way. Men have always let me down from day one. Never could I remember being showed any kind of affection by my father. My first marriage was affectionless and I spend eight years trying to mother my second husband. Nothing ever seems to go right for me. My last marriage was my one and only shot at getting everything I wanted. My husband was as good as a man could get. In him I had it all; my father, my protector, and my soul mate. Finally I got my piece of the pie but once again life pulled the rug from under me. Took me to the highest mountain, promised me the world, walked me to the edge, allowed me to admire the beautiful view, and then without warning pushed me over. Life to me had become the enemy. The edge was a distant memory for me. I had departed from it so long ago. Why hadn’t anyone noticed? Now I’m here with him and he’s attempting to walk me to yet another cliff. Well, little does Dawson know, cliffs don’t scare me anymore. So much of my life was wasted holding on to something that would never exist with him. I’ve always wanted something from him that he never intended to give me.This was the perfect moment to get everything out. No holds barred. “Dawson, let’s just be honest. You never wanted to give me everything, did you? You just wanted to continue to have your cake and eat it too. Well, let me be the first to tell you that life is not designed for any of us to have it all without compromising. I can’t believe how stupid I have been. Ten years! Ten wasted years! I can’t do this any longer. This is not even worth it anymore. I know what it feels like to have a man love me whole heartedly and Dawson you have never made me feel that way. As a matter of fact I don’t think you even came close.” Again he looked shocked. He looked crushed. I was on a roll so I needed to continue. “Yes, the sex has always been great. The dinners, the vacations, the calls, the excitement, everything was great but it’s not enough. It was never enough. I hate knowing being with you is always temporary. This vacation for Christ sake is seven days and seven days only. Then what am I suppose to do? Go back to my life and continue to wait for you. I hate that I don’t know anything about your personal life. We have known each other so long but you keep that part of you private. I guess I have never been or will ever be the one for you.”He looked hurt by what I said and what he said next left nothing else to discuss. “Harlem, from day one I have always been there for you. I met you while you were still in love with your first husband. I stood by and gave you everything you asked of me and asked for nothing in return. I have feelings and I hurt too. I never pressured you or gave you any ultimatums. I just played it cool and hoped one day I would have a chance with you. Then you left the country, married another guy and had a child. Yes, I was happy for you because you seemed happy but it hurt my heart. I had no choice but to move on with my life because that is what you did. When things with you and him was over you was strong in my life again but you always kept your options open. You never acted as if you wanted any more than what we shared. I admit I was scared and I didn’t want to play myself and get my feeling hurt by you again so I never pressed any issues. As soon as I started allowing myself to get into you again you, well you know what you did. Now because of how things worked out for you all of a sudden I am number one guy again. Well Harlem I don’t like being second best either. You are here, there, and everywhere and I don’t know where I fit. Your world is so crazy and changes from day to day it would wear me out anyway. I just wanted to come out here and have a good time and that is exactly what I am going to do. If you want to sit here and feel sorry for yourself be my guest but I am going to enjoy myself. I will see you later.”He left the cabin and I heard the horns blowing and the ship began to move. My head was hurting so bad, my heart was pounding a million miles a minute, I was sweating profusely, I was shaking uncontrollably, and tears was running down my face. I wanted the pain to stop. I never wanted anything so badly in my life. My sprit had left the cabin with him. He said a lot but never did he say what I wanted to hear. Simple words could have made all the difference. He was the one person who had the power to change the loneliness I was feeling. Why couldn’t he just say what I needed to hear? The walls were closing in on me. My thinking was distorted but I knew the pain I felt needed to end. Dawson has never asked for more than what we shared. He never would because for some unspoken reason I wasn’t worthy to him. I opened the door and walked out of the cabin. I needed to end all the pain once and for all. I wanted out and I begged God to accept me with open arms. This life had gotten the best of me and I had lost the will to live. I passed so many happy people. Couples were hugging, kissing, throwing confetti overboard, and laughing. Everyone looked like they were having tons and tons of fun. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that way. Even if I did it was always so brief. I was so tired. Everyone was having so much fun they hadn’t even noticed the devastated state I was in. No one stopped me or asked if I needed any help. It felt like I was invisible. I searched and searched for the perfect spot. I decided to go to the top deck because it was less crowded and it was up high. I figured the closer I was to God the faster I would get home once it was all over. In an instant like a call being disconnected and a dial tone sounding in my ears my mind was made up. I knew exactly what I had to do. I started feeling so happy. All my problems would soon be a thing of the past. Now I was smiling and laughing and happy like everyone else. They were happy but I was experiencing another level of joy because I knew something they didn’t. I figured out how to end the pain once and for all. I felt like I had discovered the cure for cancer. When I reached the top deck it looked deserted. I thanked God for clearing it out for me. He was making sure nothing prevented me from coming home. I really felt confident by now that I was doing the right thing. He was reassuring me that it was ok. These were all signs and I knew it.The perfect spot appeared out of nowhere. Again I thank God. There was emergency box mounted besides the railing of the back end of the ship. It would be easy for me to climb up and over the railing, thanks to the box. I took one last look around and noticed no one around me. There were people scattered on the top deck but even if they reacted it would be too late. In a few minutes I would be home watching from up above ‘pain free’. As I climbed over the rail I repeated the words I had heard before, “Please have mercy on my soul.” Just as I jumped, I caught sight of Dawson running towards me. The fall just about took my breath but there was no denying the pain of hitting the freezing cold water. I never learned how to swim so I knew once I started to sink it was just a matter of seconds before I would be reunited with my maker. As I began to sink thoughts of my kids began to flood my head. I could see them crying and hurting. I thought, “Oh my god what have I done!” The entire time I was contemplating ending my life I hadn’t thought of my kids and how my actions were going to affect them. I remember holding each one of them in my arms at birth, their first steps, first day of school, first hugs, first kisses and the first time they said mommy. I began to panic because I knew I was wrong in wanting to leave them behind. I wanted to live but I knew it was too late. I was drowning and I knew it. I was sinking and with every second I was loosing control of my mind, body, and soul. The water was suffocating me and I was fading fast. I wondered what made me do such a crazy thing. How had I ended up in such a hopeless state of confusion? Why did I allow a man to push me over the edge like this? I wanted to live but it was crystal clear that it was too late. I pleaded for God to help me out of this helpless situation. Thoughts of the events leading up to this awful decision to self-destruct consumed my mind. What a difference one year can make. In one year I have become completely disconnected from reality.